I've always been athletic. I played sports when I was a kid, go jogging or do yoga when I need to work out, swim and bike in the summer usually at my in laws and as I am city person I'm always walking. But recently, probably even before our wedding last year I was so overwhelmed with work and wedding preparations and then work and then the ongoing cycle of pregnancy and miscarriage that I've let myself go physically. I worked out sporadically through the past year and half but I haven't stuck to a routine and I certainly have gained more weight than I would like to admit. I'm fine, I'm a totally healthy weight but I am not in shape the way I would like to be.
This renewed interest in working out is not just getting my body in shape to get back into certain clothes which no longer fit me, although that would be nice, its challenging my body athletically, setting goals for myself, getting physically and also mentally stronger. One of the hardest parts of miscarriage for me other than obviously the loss of the pregnancy is the distance it creates between me and my body. I have become mistrustful and unsure of my body and what its capable of (i.e. holding a life inside it). So going to the gym and jogging, cross training, bike riding, weight lifting, swimming, stretching, yoga are all allowing me to get to know my body again and feel confident in it.
Growing up I suffered from periods of depression and mood swings and playing sports certainly helped me get out of my funk. It helped my self-esteem, it helped my focus, it helped my energy level and adrenaline. And therefore I was overall a pretty well adjusted teenager through high school but was miserable my first year of college. My parents kept telling me to go out for basketball, why not join crew? I ignored them and years later told them that I knew they were right but was too stubborn to follow their advice. But after long periods of not exercising when I do get back into it, it never ceases to astonish me how much better I feel and its like duh, why haven't you been doing this all along? I don't know if I will actually lose weight through my efforts its not really my goal and well, if you have read any of my blog you'll know that dieting is out of the question (cleansing yes, dieting no) my love of food runs too deep. But if I manage to keep it up I might come out on the other side of this year long battle with myself even stronger, both of us.
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1 comments:
I just came across your blog today while bloghoppping as a result of worktime bordeom. I felt like I could have written this post myself! I miscarried last month, my first pregnancy, and the hardest part for me was the lack of control over my body. I have gone workout crazy since the D&C, running until I puke and lifting until I shake, because I feel the need to make my body do what I want it to do since it betrayed me. I suppose it's a healthier response than some of the other options. I've found that overall I've been incredibly controlling about everything since the miscarriage - anything I can control I will control. I'm trying to move past that and focus on hope, but it's not that easy (as you know).
I'm so, so sorry for your losses. You sound like an incredibly strong woman (much of what you write about reminds me of myself) and I truly hope your dreams of motherhood come true.
x
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