Thanksgot

Where do I begin? Last week I went home for a 3 days for Thanksgiving and got to have one last holiday at and say goodbye to my childhood home. My parents haven't sold it yet but its looking very promising. Particularly promising as its the talk of the neighborhood as it was apparently featured on some snarky website where jealous New Yorkers, who have nothing better to do with their time, pick houses a part. Nice. I decided I won't upset myself by looking at said website. The house has had repeat visitors so the odds are it will be sold by the end of the year.

But before I left I had an appointment with my GP who referred me to the miscarriage specialist. This specialist is supposedly one of the best in Europe. Apparently they start off by doing lots of tests on the couple and then depending on the results keep testing one way or another ruling certain things out until they hopefully come to some sort of conclusion. I am happy to do something proactive before we try and maybe fail again but if I learned anything from my father's stroke, it's that doctors for the most part are intelligent and amazing educated guessers so these tests may lead to a whole lotta nothing. I've prepared myself for the fact that my eggs just might be too old. I also read an article from this doctor who says that coffee, alcohol and stress can also contribute to miscarriages. Grant it I cut out coffee and alcohol when I found out I was pregnant but I consume too much of all three on a regularly basis which must and will change.

Thanksgiving in New York was wonderful. I had a lovely dinner with my family and gained my strength back. I saw an old friend and met her daughter for the first time which was great as she was just as sparkly and full of life as all of the pictures I saw of her. My friend reminded me of yet another fraction of mothers which is even less looked after by society -- the single mother. Single mothers are easily the hardest working people on this planet. I admire her so much as I know it can't be easy. But she has an amazing daughter which makes it that much easier.

I also saw my friend who got pregnant the same time as my first pregnancy. She is five months and already showing. I have to admit that when I saw her and her lovely pregnant belly and complimented her on it, I needed a few minutes to change the subject and compose myself as I felt like I was about to break down in tears. It wasn't jealousy although maybe that's what jealousy feels like I don't know, I don't think that I am often jealous, it was more like a reminder of what we lost. But I am so close to her and her husband I think that they helped me snap out of it by giving me a few minutes to adjust and then eventually tackling my miscarriages and slowly speaking about her baby. I definitely had a quick talk with myself to push my feelings aside to allow her to celebrate. Why should my circumstances dampen a happy time in her life? Besides, I really am okay which I think is why my reaction took me by surprise a little. But I am pleased that I reacted the way that I did because sometimes I feel like I have been too dismissive of my miscarriages and have become almost clinical about them. But maybe it's a coping mechanism. I am so stressed by work I don't know if I really have spent enough time dealing with any feelings I might have had about the miscarriages or their implications or really process what has happened in past few months.

Which leads me to my last big news: I quit. On Monday, I gave in my notice to my boss. I told her I would stay for three months which I don't mind doing as I don't have anything yet lined up. I have sweet nothing lined up and you know what? It feels pretty good. The world is my oyster and road is open. I know that I sound awfully smug for someone walking away from a perfectly well paying job but if you spent a day in my shoes I challenge you to stay one day longer than the five years I've already been there for.