Want to Make God Laugh...? Tell Him Your Plans...

I don't have all of the answers and I certainly don't pretend to know where my life is going all the time or even most of the time. I do sometimes have the audacity to make plans, giant life plans and say them a loud. And guess what? My plans for the most part work out to some degree. I guess it's called goals.

One thing I realize about plans, however, time and time again is that plans change and they change a lot. And I came to understand, at a fairly young age, that the more flexible you are about your plans and the changes and disappointments which will invariably occur when setting out on accomplishing whatever said plan is, the happier you will be. It's not always easy to accept change and unexpected change almost never seems for the better but change is one thing in life you can always count on.

Last Friday we found out that the little baby we had thought had grown to be almost 10 weeks old had no heart beat and stopped growing at 7 weeks. I continue to hold the pregnancy inside me until it works its way out of my body naturally (not an option when I work full-time) or have a procedure to take it out which I will next week. I still feel like I am pregnant as my body continues to produce hormones which give me pregnancy symptoms. Or as this was my first pregnancy and now first miscarriage (and hopefully the last) I guess miscarriage symptoms, there is no way for me to know the difference, as other than light spotting, which can be normal for the first trimester, I would not have known anything was wrong.

I am thankful that it's been a long weekend in the UK so that we have been able to quietly cope and deal with our complicated emotions a little longer and lean on one another for support. I felt incredibly depressed and heartbroken on Friday as the news was sinking in. Now, I feel a little stronger and able to accept what happened and am looking forward to moving on particularly physically.

To be honest, it's been nice to have my body back to myself, of course at the moment not completely but now at least I can have a beer and don't feel guilty eating chips (French fries) with mayo. Don't get me wrong I would trade constipation, over active bladder and burrito belly bloats over being able to drink a beer and eat bad food any day but as there is no question of being able to trade I am grateful I can now at least have a beer and will be able to eat foie gras and smelly cheese next month in Paris.

We'll try again and hopefully next time we'll succeed -- it's all part of the plan.